A love so strong it hurts

October 25th, 2011 | Posted by Sara in Being a mum | Life | Little Human - (11 Comments)

I thought I knew love, I love my mother. The woman who brought me into this world 29 years ago. The woman who has supported me through thick & thin. The woman who never fails to say the right things (even if at the time I don’t want always want to hear them).

I thought I knew love, I married a man 18 months ago who I love – I get butterflies in my tummy when I anticipate him coming home, I look into his eyes & see into his soul. I look forward to spending every moment with him forever more.

I gave birth to a little girl 12 weeks ago – I thought I would feel love straight away, I thought the moment I held her I would be captured forever, and in some respect I was. But this love was different. Of course the moment I held her I felt ‘something’ I thought it was love, but now I think it was exhaustion & relief that my baby was out & healthy.

It took me about 10 weeks to have the ‘light bulb’ moment, when I finally realised that I now know true love. I was out on a run, hubby was looking after Worm, giving me some much-needed rest & ‘me time’ As I pushed my body, step after step, enjoying the sunshine on my face & breeze in my hair all I could think about was The Worm. I was wondering if she was enjoy daddy time, if she was tired, if hubby would know her tired signs & put her to bed so she could rest. Wondering if she would enjoy going on a run with me. I realised on that run that I would never be the same woman as I was before. I had irreversibly changed forever. But still…. was this love?

I spent Friday afternoon in Adelaide doing some shopping just me & Worm. She was asleep in the pram, with the cover pulled over her snuggled in safe & sound. I was in a queue when a lady asked me how old my baby was – 12 weeks I replied, this lady then moved to pull back the covers & said ‘let me have a look at her’ I grabbed the bassinet & said ‘NO she is asleep & I don’t want to disturb her’ I said it firmly, but with a smile on my face hoping the lady would understand. She gave me a concerned look, and then turned her back on me as she was called up to the teller. It was moments after that I realised that I wasn’t breathing, my chest was tight, and I physically was in pain. The thought that this stranger lady was going to touch my baby had instantly brought my defences up.

I now KNOW that I KNOW love. The love I have for my daughter is so strong it hurts, my excitement as she develops, my fears for her pain & my anticipation for her future are such strong emotions that they hurt. My little daughter, sleeping soundly in her bassinet has taught me that I can love something even more than life itself.

 

Have you ever had a ‘light bulb’ moment in your life when suddenly everything changed? I would love to know.

 

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