I feel constantly torn in multiple directions. Right now I’m struggling big time with life in general. I do try to keep my surroundings as happy and relaxed as I can. I am a big fan of the “if you can’t change it don’t sweat it” approach so things like waiting in lines or rules don’t generally cause me distress.
Recently though the Worm has been sick AGAIN! We had 2 days of a nasty vomit bug which left her dehydrated, unresponsive, and out of character.
Thankfully my mother was visiting at the time, so I was able to go to work for 2 half days, however I still feel that this isn’t enough.
The constant work/motherhood balance is hard to maintain. I work in a fairly high pressure, corporate environment where customer satisfaction is key. Having your account manager out of the office for nearly 2 days isn’t conductive to running a great business, and although my customers are generally understanding when you have so many of them it is inevitable that someone will get grumpy eventually.
With another big move pending (back to SA for The Farmers work) I am looking for a new position. Thankfully my employer is very flexible and I should be able to stay within the organisation, however I’m struggling with what I want to do.
Do I really want to be in this job forever? Is it too late to re-train? Can The Farmer & I survive another financial inconvenience whilst I take time out of the workforce to do this re-training? What do I even want to re-train in?
These are the thoughts that are keeping me up at night, they are somewhat overwhelming, and I don’t have any answers at the moment. I feel I can’t continue to hold this employment position and still be a good mother. I know that others can do the juggle better than I can, but I feel like I’m constantly letting someone down.
Either I’m not spending enough time with Worm or my focus in the office is torn. I acknowledge that if it wasn’t for my mothers visit I would haven’t been able to even spend the 2 half days in the office. I would have been out completely, so that’s a good compromise. But is it enough?
I can acknowledge that I’m experiencing a period of very disordered thinking. I feel that I’m not good enough at anything; I’m struggling to be a good mother, struggling at work, and even struggling at home. Any thoughts of triathlon training or even going for a walk are extremely hard to manage. To be honest I could quite happily spend a week in bed without seeing anyone, I’m ready to check out of the grind for a while.
I went for a walk at lunch, and was nearly hit by a car at a pedestrian crossing. I dropped my bag jumping onto the curb, and thankfully the car simply drove off – oblivious to the fact that he had nearly ruined my day. I was a little shaken by the incident, but more so relieved that the fellow hadn’t stopped – I’m sure I would have burst into tears if he had.
As a prime example of the disordered thinking I’m experiencing at the moment, literally minutes after the above experience I was almost wishing that the inattentive driver had hit me – because at least if he had I would have reason to feel hurt. Reason to feel sad and reason to cry out for help.
Right now although the logical part of me knows that I’m experiencing a brain chemical imbalance and am waiting for the drugs to kick in (I went to the GP last week to go onto prescription antidepressants) the illogical side is just blaming myself for everything.
My toddler had a rather epic meltdown at 3 am last night, she was inconsolable, running around the house, demanding the TV be put on. Then she wanted food, then she didn’t, then she wanted TV again. The poor girl had no idea what she was originally upset about, it took nearly 90 minutes of watching, waiting, keeping her safe, trying to settle her before she would lay down in my bed. It took a further 30 minutes of shhing, patting and gentle words before she finally fell asleep and let me lay down again myself.
Throughout the whole 2 hour time frame I was helpless. I couldn’t do anything to help her, she wouldn’t listen to any sense and just kept running around the room. I sat and waited, quietly in the dark. Mum was there too. I’m sure she was feeling equally helpless, but this poor 2 year old just has no control of her rage and emotion, where I just feel like I almost had no emotion at the time. I just wanted to walk out and leave.
I’ve received much advice, suggestions and opinions on how I raise my child. I don’t know what is good and what is not, I just know that I’m doing the best I can with the circumstances I’m dealt.
I know this is a jumbled up rant of dis-jointed stories and thoughts. It is my world at the moment, so I felt the need to vent, and I’m hoping that when I press publish on this mess my mind will take a breath and pause to remember that its not that bad, I am blessed, and my chemical imbalance will correct itself again soon.
Until then….. I sleep.