12 months ago at 7.29am you came into the world & changed my life forever.
37.2 weeks growing safe & strong, my body giving you every nutrient you needed. Feeling your movements, experiencing your hiccups & watching your feet make my tummy expand & push out as you struggle for room.
Nothing could prepare me for the emotion of holding you for the first time. Seeing your little purple body, staring into your bright blue eyes (even though you didn’t like the bright lights so held your eyes shut tight). As you fed for the first time I felt for the first time complete warmth, like I had finally found my role to play in the ever changing circus that is my life.
I was exhausted. Although your birthing was relatively easy for me, it was long & I hadn’t slept much due to the excitement from your impending arrival.
I dozed that first day, on & off, your Daddy & Nana enjoyed cuddles but I was too scared to get a really long one in. I was afraid I would ‘spoil’ you. I have regretted not giving you more cuddles that first day ever since.
12 hours later when it was all going wrong I was helpless. I could do nothing to help you when your lung spontaneously popped. I had to trust the medical staff & hope that they could heal you.
I prayed that night. I prayed for the doctors to have clarity so they could evaluate the situation & do the best they could. I prayed that I would have the strength emotional & physical to get me through the next few hours. I also prayed for my mum & husband who had gone back to the hotel room for rest.
My prayers were answered. I don’t know if medical science, God, or good luck were responsible but you pulled through & we made our way home 12days later.
Since bringing you home I wish I could say the circus was over however now I realise that it was just beginning.
The past 12 months have been a blur. There are weeks where I honestly don’t remember what was happening, what we did, or even what you were doing. I took as many photos as I could so there is a record of each day.
My dear Emily. I may not always be the best mother you need. I may not always make the right decisions. I may not always say the right thing. But I promise you that I am always doing the best I can.
On this day, your first birthday, I want you to know that you are & always will be a part of me. You are my daughter & I am your mother. Nothing can ever change that.
I love you with every cell in my body.
Seeing as we are now 250 days into my 29th year I thought a quick update as to how I was tracking with my 30 by 30 list was in order.
As I updated this last night I was so surprised at my progress, it hasn’t been front of mind & so I havent being crossing them off mindfully. There are a couple of absolute disasters – Worm’s baby book for example is non-existant! Also we are no longer planning on purchasing a house in the next year, but on the whole everything else has been started.
1. Buy a house (one for us to live in this time!) – Still outstanding and to be honest is no longer on our priority list, recent events have taken this out of our control and it looks like we will be returning to employer supplied housing shortly.
2. Get pregnant again – there is still time! I have only just started to have a cycle again so maybe in the next few months this will happen, or maybe not, I am not sure what the rush is!
3. Return to paid work – DONE!
4. Run a half marathon (eek!) – this is a big EEK – I have registered and paid for the Blackmores half marathon in September, so this is going to happen.
5. Run 5kms regularly – DONE! 5 kms is now my staple run which I try to do a couple of times per week. With the Farmer recently away with work, my running has been put on the backburner, I find it very difficult to run before or after work on the treadmill. I hope to get back into this more regularly soon.
6. Read 10 books just for ME (no baby books to be counted!) Getting there! I have read 4
7. Blog regularly apart from the recent few months I have been pretty good at this and am starting to be more involved with PR companies which is fun & exciting
8. Have a holiday with the family – not yet, and not on the horizon
9. Take photos everyday (365 day project), most days I take photos, though I have stopped listing them with a day number, most recently the photos of Worm in the bath or eating dinner have been my favourites
10. Share those photos with others – whatever photos I take usually end up on instagram and so I guess this counts.
11. Keep Emily’s baby journal & 365day book updated – can’t just rely on memories – FAILURE!! People warned me that whatever I did for the first baby I would have to replicate for any subsequent children, we that’s going to be easy, because I have nothing done at all – I am working on a photo book to commemorate her first year, (as I have a scoopon) so I will include milestones in that
12. Do something special for our 2nd wedding anniversary we were blessed enough to be at a friends wedding on our 2nd wedding anniversary, the lovely Glass House Mountains in Queensland was the backdrop, and it was wonderful to witness them start their married life together.
13. Help someone out without being asked – I’ve done this
14. Join the gym – NOPE – I have however done more exercise at home and running so there was no need to join the gym
15. Enrol Em in swimming lessons – Done – she loves them! It has become a regular Saturday morning family activity
16. Try 30 new wines! Done! (Easily- living in one of the countries premier wine regions has many advantages)
17. Get my skin looked at for melanoma – I asked my GP for a referral however he said that it wasn’t required and looked at the couple I was concerned with. I would probably like a more through check up, but this was ok for now
18. Sew a dress for Emily – yeah right – I have no idea what I was thinking of here!
19. Swim at the beach -
20. Enter 30 blog competitions – I haven’t kept up with how many I have entered, however I’m sure this is either completed or well underway.
21. Make tomato sauce from our veggie garden produce – DONE! We had a bumper harvest I made 2 batches of sauce, oven dried many kilos and used the Thermomix to puree plenty for use in bolognaise or other recipes.
22. Do 30 pushups on my toes without stopping – I can do 3 now, and 35 in a minute on my knees, so this is a work in progress still.
23. Attend a Maggie Beer cooking class – not yet L
24. Have 30 Tech-free days over the year (so this is 2-3per month) FAIL & I can’t see this happening I am seriously tied to my phone most days.
25. Get Emily baptised I have investigated getting this done & we have asked our good friends to be her god parents, however nailing an actual date for the service hasn’t happened yet.
26. Get tested for food allergens/sensitivities – again I have spoken to the GP who thinks this is a crock of crap, so for now I continue to avoid foods that make me bloat or fart too much
27. Plant fruit trees at the new house – nope as we don’t have a new house
28. Establish a veggie garden at the new house nope as we don’t have a new house however I have had the veggie patch at our rental cranking, producing peas, spinach, lettuce, beans, tomatoes, strawberries & spring onions.
29. Put fresh flowers in my kitchen at least once each month – unfortunately this hasn’t happened **Sad face**
30. Learn more about breastfeeding & study to become a lactation consultant – YAY My information pack from the ABA came today so I am getting started on my breastfeeding counselling training.
Do you have a checklist of things to get done this year? Care to share any major items?
It has been quite a while since I popped up in your readers or email accounts. I can honestly say that although I have been writing I havent felt free to press the publish button.
Over the past 3 months I have returned to work – initially just 2 days per week, but more recently full time. I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that I have really enjoyed the challenges that this has raised.
As it happens my return to full time work correlated with The Farmer heading away for work himself, so here I am home alone with the Worm. She has settled really well into this new crazy routine that we have – I’m up at 6 & race through the shower before she wakes at 6.30 – then its breakfast for both of us & straight into the car. I drop her off at care around 8 & get to work at 8.10 most mornings – this is then reversed at the end of the day I pick her up at 5.30ish, straight home for dinner, bath, a book, a feed and bed. Usually by 7.30 I am sitting on the lounge almost comatose wondering how I can do it all again tomorrow.
In the first week Worm got quite ill – they are not sure if is Asthma or if it was just broncitis, but either way the treatment of steroids & 2 hourly Ventolin was hell. One night we were down to ventolin every 45 minutes and I was still turned away from our local hospital – needless to say I was a VERY unhappy camper that night. Thankfully the local medical centre & GP’s were fabulous and saw Worm every morning to determine what the course of treatment for that day was. She is now recovered apart from a nasty cough that rears it’s ugly head of an evening when the weather cools.
But all has not been bad – I shouldn’t make out that it has been. Returning to work has made me realize that I CAN have it all. I CAN work, run, and have my baby girl happy. Sure I would like to be spending some more time with her, but the short times we have together have been wonderful. My mental health has improved remarkably & I am feeling confident in my abilities again.
I wish I had more to share, but for now I just wanted to say Hi, thanks for hanging around, and please keep an eye out because on Thursday I am launching a FABULOUS giveaway that will be perfect for any of you with small children who are finding this change in weather challenging.
I have a very bad habit of lying about my mental health. I have had this post in the back of my mind for months now but have always been afraid to actually get the words down. I was afraid of what people might think of me, afraid of what my mum & other family would think. I was even afraid of what the community on twitter would think.
But I’ve decided to come clean.
The first lie happened at my 3 week health nurse check up for Emily. The nurse asked me to complete a mental health survey. As I completed the survey I quickly realised what my answers were leading too & so I changed a couple. Sure enough my score of 21 was just 3 points below the automatic referral to psychologists for PND. Phew I thought. I scrapped by & don’t have to go.
The 2nd lie happened at the 8 week check up. Meeting a new GP & going through Worms birth story. When I finished talking the GP said ‘Well Sara I’m concerned, moving house, changing jobs & having a baby (let alone a sick baby) are all huge occurances. I think you need to be aware that you may suffer from PND’
Rubbish I thought. I’m ok. Sure I have sad moments but everyone does.
Over the past 9 months there have been many times where people have said to me “How are you feeling” or “are you ok” each & every time I have said “Yes of course I’m fine”
Until 2 weeks ago, when it kinda all fell apart- Our home life has been rather disrupted lately, we are healthy & physically well, but mentally there has been a bit of a dark aura over our household. I personally stopped doing things I loved, I stopped running, I stopped blogging, I stopped walking & I stopped taking photos. I was seeing the blog posts I had written in drafts, looking at the press releases & agreements for giveaways sitting on my email & feeling really down. I didn’t know what was going to give first.
This time when my mum said “How are you?” I admitted that I wasn’t ok, at the time I felt the worst I had felt for a very long time, my chest was tight, my face forlorn & the extent of my sleep deprivation was eating me up from the inside in.
Image from here
Now I never had any suicidal thoughts however I did on many occasions wish I could just run away. As usual my little girl kept me in the present moment & I didn’t do anything silly.
I am writing this post to get it out of my head, for the record I have not seen a doctor, I perhaps should, but I won’t just yet as I am feeling much better again. I have been reminded that even though I have a family who rely on me, I still need to take the time for myself, to do what I love. I am focusing on taking my photos again, running at least a couple of times per week & I am hoping to catch up on reading my favourite blogs.
Please take a moment tonight & in fact EVERY night to ask someone “Are you OK?” My mum asked me this question many times until I finally admitted what she had been seeing for months. By admitting that I wasn’t OK she & I were able to talk through the issues & now I am feeling much better.
Do you sometimes struggle to find the ‘right’ greeting card? I do! I spend literally hours sometimes standing in front of the big card displays at the newsagents,department or specialty stores.
When Worm was born we received a beautiful personalised card from some friends, the card had a pair of pink runners with her name typed on the laces. So cute, clever & personal.
When I was approached by MoonPig.com.au to receive a gift voucher so that I could order my own personalised cards I jumped at the chance! This would be perfect for a few ‘tricky’ birthdays coming up.
Take my aunt for example. She has a bit of a phobia about getting older, she has turned 28 every year for the past 22 years. This year I was struggling to find something “Perfect” for the occasion. It needed to be funny, not mention the big 5-0, and actually get to her on time.
Sure enough a quick search through the EXTENSIVE collection of birthday cards on MoonPig I found the classic template for a “Calm Down” card. A few quick modifications (including a quick tweet for some grammatical help!) and I was done. I ordered the card at 10pm on Monday night. It was delivered to me on Thursday morning – a short 3 day turn around. I could have had the card sent direct to my aunt but I wanted to check it out for myself first!
The card was PERFECT – the gloss finish, and thick card looks & feels expensive. The personalisation was exactly as I had previewed, it was everything I had hoped for. The total cost delivered was $7.25 which I thought was very reasonable, especially considering normal Greeting Cards usually retail for around $5, this was personalised & delivered.
When I visit friends and stay a few nights I generally like to send them a thank you card – so I thought lets see what MoonPig can come up with this time – I found this card by searching for the keywords “thank you sheep” (Don’t search for “sheep” as there were 222 HILARIOUS but totally inappropriate for this purpose greeting card options – or maybe do search!)
My $25 voucher was lots of fun to use & I will certainly be going back and adding more to my account (if you pre-pay not only is it very convenient, you also receive a discount.)
For your chance to win a $25 credit so you can have fun making some personalised cards for yourself simply complete the Rafflecopter form below.
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Winner will be notified via email & must respond within 48 hours or I will re-draw.